Case Example

Rebecca

Any case examples that I share here are completely anonymised. Names and some case details are altered, disguised or changed to protect my clients’ absolute right to privacy.

Comparisonitis - and the negative effects it has on confidence -this Case example may help you.

Rebecca is a thirty-year-old woman who was struggling with self-esteem and confidence issues.

She had been seeking some sort of guidance for sometime. However, the people she had turned to really didn't understand her and so were unable to help her.

It became quite a struggle for her, in particular she had no confidence in her ability to cope with the workload she had in her profession. She found it impossible to imagine being a success.

Her mother recognised she needed something to help her overcome her shyness and to deal with the stress that she had suffered from since her teenage years. She suggested treatment with me.

Rebecca came to see me feeling quite reluctant. It seemed it was difficult for her to comprehend why her parents were so persistent that she should obtain help.

1

Strategy

At this stage I have a free phone call with a potential client so that we can discuss strategies for healing their issues.

My magical Psychotherapist’s Toolbox is Mary Poppins-like in terms of containing many options depending on the clients’ exact needs.

Options can include:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)

Hypnotherapy

Solution Focused Therapy (SFT) also known as Brief Therapy

Relational Therapy

And of course the fact that I am qualified in a wide range of therapies to assist clients to breakthrough negative thinking patterns.

In this instance we decided that we would use a combination of tools to put the power back into Rebecca’s own hands.

We used Reframing, affirmations, and the importance of setting boundaries along with learning to turn comparisons into inspirations.

2

Treatment

As we worked through the sessions we found that Rebecca had always suffered from shyness. She felt that she had spent most of her childhood and teenage years trying to live up to her parents/carers standards.

During therapy we discovered this came to a head after Rebecca completed her mock GCSEs.

Rebecca was too shy to participate in group activities as a child and the effect of this isolation was now having an impact in her adulthood. She told me that she had always been interested in dancing. From what she told me it seemed that she was diligent but was constantly worried and very unwilling when she was told to copy others in any respect. Whether that was dancing or other interests she just didn’t want to do “what the others did”.

She admitted that she would make silly mistakes when people were watching and she was far worse when a parent/carer was present. Rebecca spoke tearfully about how she always felt like a disappointment to her parents and how they were never satisfied with performance in her studies, interest, hobbies or anything else.

Rebecca's parents rebuked her constantly during her childhood and teenage years for not giving things her full attention, and not seeming to want to do better.

She’d become almost a recluse and had quit in believing herself. She gave up her dancing and almost all her other interests. She was filled with low self-esteem and embarrassment as she went through her past during her session with me.

Rebecca had an Ah-Ha moment when she realised that it was because of the many times her mother would compare her to other children.

Rebecca would receive praise for some achievement - passing all her exams for example - but then a cousin had got all As and A stars. Suddenly Rebecca’s achievement wasn’t enough. She realised that her parents were constantly comparing her ability to her cousins, her friends and her classmates .

As we investigated further we discovered that this comparison of Rebecca to others had been a constant feature of her younger life.

My interaction with Rebecca indicated the reason for her giving up and feeling less worthy were no fault of her own, yet she always believed it was. She was not free to be unique, authentic, transparent or have a voice to express what she desired, rather than what her parent/carers expected of her.

She perceived that what they preferred was what they saw in other people's children, not valuing Rebecca or praising her for her achievements.

I helped Rebecca realise that she was struggling with comparisonitis, and the easiest thing she could do was to redirect her focus onto herself.

Comparisonitis will take away anyone's self-confidence and self-esteem.

The therapy, self-psychology, reflection and confidence-building exercises helped Rebecca move away from comparing herself to others.

She eventually found her own voice and was able to appreciate herself first, even if her parents, work colleagues or friends did not offer praise.

She used the techniques we’d worked on to praise herself. Over some time, learning to see the good in herself, appreciate her self worth, Rebecca was able to recognise her value and uniqueness by being her own best friend.

What is Comparison-itis or Comparisonitis?

Well, first of all both spellings are correct - although the hyphenated version tends to be more popular in the USA.

The correct psychological name is social comparison bias.

It became more commonly known with the popularity of social media but it has gone on for years. Perhaps in earlier times it was more colloquially known as Keeping up with the Joneses.

Frequently it is something that people do to themselves who hasn’t looked at someone else’s body, car, home or lifestyle and sighed that our own is not like that?

But it can be far more damaging when a parent or carer has inflicted it on a child.
Let’s be careful what we teach our children. They are all beautiful and unique and comparisons are unhealthy and unrealistic.

Margaret